One of the latest relationship tests on social media to go viral is the bird theory.

It starts with a casual comment.

You know, when you were inside, I saw a really pretty bird.

A bird?

I saw a bird today.

I saw a bird today.

I forgot to tell you that I saw a bird today.

A bird?

The test is how the partner responds.

Wait, I saw a blue jay the other day, too.

No, literally, I saw one on my run.

Do they engage?

Pointed beak, rounded beak, or not?

Why are you telling that?

These tests have racked up millions of views.

They're based on a theory developed by couples researcher John Gottman about the importance of engaging with partners when looking for a connection.

But what do they really tell us?

Alexander Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at Northwestern University and the host of a podcast called Reimagining Love.

Alexandra, how valuable is this test?

What does it really reveal?

You know, these tests come and go, and I tell you what, this one is particularly sneaky because it's it does have Gottman's research behind it.

And there's a wish that all of our relationships could boil down to one little test like that.

So, although there's validity, it's putting too much weight in one little micro moment.

Well, tell us about Gutman's theory.

Tell us about that.

What Gottman says is that romantic relationships are not made up of the grand sweeping gesture.

you know, the rose petals on the bed and all of the sort of fairy tale ideas that we grow up with.

In fact, romantic relationships, the healthy ones, are made up of a series of thousands and thousands and millions of micro moments of connection that build trust and safety and authenticity between partners.

That's what this test is about.

It's a bid for connection.

You know, the New York Times calls this social media's relationship yard stick dour, and you talked about how these come and go.

Why are we so drawn to this?

We're drawn to it because there are few things in our lives that that make us feel quite as vulnerable as our intimate relationships do.

Uh the stakes are high.

The consequence of losing the person that we love, you know, through a breakup, through divorce, certainly through death, those consequences are very, very big.

You know, we risk heartbreak.

And so I think we are forever looking for evidence to the to answer the question, are we okay?

You know, are we okay?

Are you with me?

Do you have my back?

Do you see me?

Do I matter to you?

And what's the motivation for people to put these online and have strangers discuss it?

Well, John, here's where the rubber hits the road.

I do think that especially in these scenarios we're seeing where people have taped their partner without their consent, you know, that's a kind of boundary violation.

And I I think that if somebody is tempted to test their partner in this way, the first step is to check in with themselves.

You know, what is what's going on here?

And I we we really have normalized that we sort of live these two lives.

We live the flesh and blood life of ours and we live this online life.

So I think we really have normalized that it seems kind of, you know, ordinary or no big deal right now to be showing little windows into our world online.

But I think it's a problem and I think we ought to be careful.

This does show a willingness to sort of uh let the other partners' world in something that they value in the world they found interesting.

Does that tell us anything?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

There's, you know, it feels really good when we when we notice something or we raise something and our partner turns toward us instead of, you know, looking at their phone and saying, "Uh-huh."

or not responding at all.

It's really painful.

Those those breaks in connection are really painful for us.

And those moments of attunement where our partner turns their attention toward us feel really good.

So there there's that's where the validity is.

The validity is that our desire to connect with our partner in these small seemingly insignificant ways, those matter.

It makes sense that people want, you know, to have the partner ask follow-up questions about this little bird that we saw.

We see mostly in these women testing men.

What does that tell you?

Well, it tells us a lot of things.

It tells us that we teach little girls and women that they are the the the ones who've got their finger on the pulse of the relationship, that they should have their finger on the pulse of their relationship.

Um research has found that actually by the age of three we parents talk less to our little boys and we touch our little boys less.

So we basically socialize into our boys who then grow up to become men.

The idea that communication is largely transactional.

It is a means to an end.

It is goaloriented.

By contrast, we teach our girls and our women that talking is how I show you my world.

talking is how you invite me into your world.

So then when a you know man and a woman come together in intimate partnership, there's this funny sort of paradox where she really values this interactional communication and he may not be quite as accustomed to that.

So the conversation about the bird, if he can't see the point of why we're talking about the bird, he may not be trying to ignore her or shut her down.

He just isn't quite sure what the point is.

How does that show up in your practice when you see patients in your practice?

Well, I've been at this for a very, very long time.

And when I'm sitting with a, you know, a heterosexual couple, I can pretty much guarantee that part of our work is going to be helping him develop the capacity for those kinds of conversations that don't seem to be going anywhere, where there isn't a goal in mind, but where the communication is truly just building intimacy.

you know, often times um she wants more understanding from him.

She wants to know what's going on inside of his head.

And what it feels like to her is that he's holding out on her.

You know, he's not opening up.

But actually, in fact, as he starts to open up in couple therapy, nine times out of 10, whatever he's sharing with her in the couple therapy session is actually the first time he said it out loud, maybe even the first time he's thought it.

So that's very often the case in couple therapy that we're helping men develop that capacity for conversations that are intimacy driven and that deepen intimacy.

Clinical psychologist Alexander Solomon, thank you very much.

Thank you.

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